the problem with goodbyes, reprise

one of my favorite pieces that I wrote 10 years ago

the problem with goodbyes 

is that they become cumulative,

each a reminder of all those before. 

a wave of the hand whispers

of months of heartache;

a hug murmurs

of those embraced for the last time;

tears retell  

of the agonizing cries aimed heavenward. 

the “see you soons” pile up into a reasonless hill

of sorrow for the faces I’ve seen no more. 

each goodbye leads to a new hello, they say,

but more certain is that each hello ends in goodbye. 

is “bittersweet” a cop-out for the faint of heart?

yet I am faint of heart.

the bitter ties my heart in knots that ease with time

but clench again at triggers of farewells,

turning of leaves,

cars pulling away,

reminders of mortality. 

am I the only one

who has developed a ptsd

from funerals,

from graduation,

from airports,

from bonfires? 

love is sacrifice,

love is unreasonable and stupid,

love is painful and gut-wrenching and I saw it all coming. 

I saw it all coming. 

but somehow it’s worth it.

I will say hello again

even as I wince from the whiplash of a hundred crashes with reality. 

I will cry over this sick, sad state of everyday sorrows,

and begin again.

I don’t know why

except that I must,

because

to love is to be human,

and I tremblingly hold to my humanity.