how are you doing? - part 2
I'm sorry that my blog has become more of a diary than anything else these days. Thank you for reading; I learn and process as I write.
In the last few weeks, I've felt like I'm kind of lying to everyone I see. Almost every "How are you?" gets a "Good; how are you?" in response. In many ways I am good - read last week's post! But lately, for the most part, I'm not so good. It's nothing personal - if I've given you a "Good; how are you?" it's not because I didn't want to be honest, it's just too much sometimes. Too tiring, too time-consuming, too interruptive of whatever I'm doing, or too complicated for me to even get into words yet. So thank you for your patience with me; don't be afraid to ask, just know that we might need a lot of time to get a real answer.
So for now, as of 10pm on a Sunday night, here's how I think I'm doing:
I'm tired. The song Worn has been a place of lament that has felt like my heartbeat for a while now. I'm tired physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, and spiritually, mostly because all of them are intertwined so inextricably. Every morning I wake up and realize that this bad dream isn't over yet. Every hour, even the ones filled with good things, can feel like drudgery as I try to manage my emotions and control my thoughts. I remember years ago when we hosted Chinese exchange students, mom explained to me that they needed extra sleep because their brains were exhausted from trying to live in English all day. I feel like we're kind of living in another culture, in circumstances we've never experienced before, and our brains get really tired from trying to understand daily life through the lens of sudden loss and grief.
I'm sad. Sad for all the things that are not how they should be. Sad that Dad is not here. Sad that my little sisters only had him for five years. Sad that I can't fix things. My generation that grew up on Disney, on magic, on the deeply-engrained belief that anything is possible and that dreams come true. There's no cartoon or princess that taught us what to do when the important things are irretrievably lost, no movie that prepared us for the dreams that can't ever come true.
I'm struggling. I want to fix things. I want to have control. I want to make everything better, even though I know there's no way I can do that. Especially with the people who are closest to me, I want them to know their identity in Christ and the depth of love God feels for them. That desire is good, of course, but I can't actually make that happen. Only God can. I was praying for these people, and I felt Him ask me, "Do you trust me?" My immediate answer was, "No!" It caught me off guard. I've always thought I trusted God so well. But I'm realizing that my definition of "trust" was wrong. Even though I knew that following God doesn't mean everything will be perfect in my life, subconsciously I thought that if I trusted God enough, nothing bad would happen. Then the accident happened. Suddenly, I have to handle the fact that saying "I trust You" doesn't mean everything will be how I wanted. So I'm looking for His promises again. Right now, all I know is that He promised to work all things together for good for those who love Him, and I will hang on to that. He's so patient; He will teach me to trust, to let go, to surrender. It's so much harder than I thought it was.
I'm grateful. Oh, I am overwhelmed by what people have done for me and my family. If you are one of those who has chopped wood, donated, prayed, poured chemicals in the pool, test-driven cars with mom, brought meals, had our girls over, moved furniture, laid flooring, painted, or so much more, thank you. Please read more here and here to see the impact you've had.
I'm excited. I go back to school in two weeks! I'm excited for so much: to form a routine, to sit in the dorm lounge, to reconnect, to meet new people, to go to chapel, to study language, to walk through campus, to pray with others, to be mentored, and to sit and play with my favorite little boy and his family. I've been counting the days since I left. It will be so hard to leave home - I don't think I've really realized how hard it will be yet - but I'm so blessed to have a school that feels like another home.
I'm loved. Meaning, I know I'm loved by Jesus. Even before the accident in May, He was teaching me to pray, teaching me how to get myself into His presence so He can pour His love out on me. Jesus is so gentle, so patient, so glad to be with me. He is transforming me little by little as He continues to show me His faithfulness. If you long to be literally with Jesus, to hear His voice and feel His embrace, this teaching and book have helped me so much.
Thank you to all of you who have gone above and beyond in the little things. Thank you for Facebook messages, for prayers, for keeping up with this blog, for remembering the things I love. You continue to bless and amaze me.
In the last few weeks, I've felt like I'm kind of lying to everyone I see. Almost every "How are you?" gets a "Good; how are you?" in response. In many ways I am good - read last week's post! But lately, for the most part, I'm not so good. It's nothing personal - if I've given you a "Good; how are you?" it's not because I didn't want to be honest, it's just too much sometimes. Too tiring, too time-consuming, too interruptive of whatever I'm doing, or too complicated for me to even get into words yet. So thank you for your patience with me; don't be afraid to ask, just know that we might need a lot of time to get a real answer.
So for now, as of 10pm on a Sunday night, here's how I think I'm doing:
I'm tired. The song Worn has been a place of lament that has felt like my heartbeat for a while now. I'm tired physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, and spiritually, mostly because all of them are intertwined so inextricably. Every morning I wake up and realize that this bad dream isn't over yet. Every hour, even the ones filled with good things, can feel like drudgery as I try to manage my emotions and control my thoughts. I remember years ago when we hosted Chinese exchange students, mom explained to me that they needed extra sleep because their brains were exhausted from trying to live in English all day. I feel like we're kind of living in another culture, in circumstances we've never experienced before, and our brains get really tired from trying to understand daily life through the lens of sudden loss and grief.
I'm sad. Sad for all the things that are not how they should be. Sad that Dad is not here. Sad that my little sisters only had him for five years. Sad that I can't fix things. My generation that grew up on Disney, on magic, on the deeply-engrained belief that anything is possible and that dreams come true. There's no cartoon or princess that taught us what to do when the important things are irretrievably lost, no movie that prepared us for the dreams that can't ever come true.
I'm struggling. I want to fix things. I want to have control. I want to make everything better, even though I know there's no way I can do that. Especially with the people who are closest to me, I want them to know their identity in Christ and the depth of love God feels for them. That desire is good, of course, but I can't actually make that happen. Only God can. I was praying for these people, and I felt Him ask me, "Do you trust me?" My immediate answer was, "No!" It caught me off guard. I've always thought I trusted God so well. But I'm realizing that my definition of "trust" was wrong. Even though I knew that following God doesn't mean everything will be perfect in my life, subconsciously I thought that if I trusted God enough, nothing bad would happen. Then the accident happened. Suddenly, I have to handle the fact that saying "I trust You" doesn't mean everything will be how I wanted. So I'm looking for His promises again. Right now, all I know is that He promised to work all things together for good for those who love Him, and I will hang on to that. He's so patient; He will teach me to trust, to let go, to surrender. It's so much harder than I thought it was.
I'm grateful. Oh, I am overwhelmed by what people have done for me and my family. If you are one of those who has chopped wood, donated, prayed, poured chemicals in the pool, test-driven cars with mom, brought meals, had our girls over, moved furniture, laid flooring, painted, or so much more, thank you. Please read more here and here to see the impact you've had.
I'm excited. I go back to school in two weeks! I'm excited for so much: to form a routine, to sit in the dorm lounge, to reconnect, to meet new people, to go to chapel, to study language, to walk through campus, to pray with others, to be mentored, and to sit and play with my favorite little boy and his family. I've been counting the days since I left. It will be so hard to leave home - I don't think I've really realized how hard it will be yet - but I'm so blessed to have a school that feels like another home.
I'm loved. Meaning, I know I'm loved by Jesus. Even before the accident in May, He was teaching me to pray, teaching me how to get myself into His presence so He can pour His love out on me. Jesus is so gentle, so patient, so glad to be with me. He is transforming me little by little as He continues to show me His faithfulness. If you long to be literally with Jesus, to hear His voice and feel His embrace, this teaching and book have helped me so much.
Thank you to all of you who have gone above and beyond in the little things. Thank you for Facebook messages, for prayers, for keeping up with this blog, for remembering the things I love. You continue to bless and amaze me.
Comments
Post a Comment
thoughts so far