oh father, no

I'm trying to learn to be more and more real. Real with myself, real with others, real with God. I'm honestly still trying to figure out what being "real" actually looks like; in a lot of ways I feel like I'm a very genuine, what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of person. But over this summer, I've felt like some of the deepest parts of me are hiding, even from myself. Especially in the process of grief, I knew I was (and still am) stuffing down a lot of my emotions because I'd just rather not wade through the pain. I haven't mourned like I thought I was going to, and I don't want to avoid it to the point of unhealthy self-ignorance. I want to be real.

During my Sabbath today, I went to the music rooms on campus to play the piano. I needed the music, needed something to make my feelings tangible, even through sound. I wanted to cry out to God in song... but I couldn't find a song that was just... sad. Because I was sad. I even googled "worship songs for grieving," but the top results were things like "Great Songs for Overcoming Grief," which was not at all what I wanted. Grief is like a chain that keeps you attached to your loved one; it's heavy and painful, but you don't want to break it because you still want that connection.

I asked God to help me be real. To face the grief head on. To say what I need to say. This song came out slowly, line by line, chord by chord, but oh, it is so real. This isn't how I feel every second, don't get worried about me, but it's how I feel in the lows. It's how I feel when I'm surrounded by people singing ultra-happy praise songs which are wonderful but not reflective of my heart in that moment. I know God welcomes my point-blank honesty because it's all over the Scriptures, especially in Psalms and Job and in Jesus. So here I say some things that are scary to say, scary to speak out loud because they're questions without answers, or without answers I want to hear.

But singing these words, even as it seems almost disrespectful to God, brought down walls. It brought me closer to Him as I began unveiling more of what might stand between us as I learn to mourn.

I didn't think I would share the words of this song, at least not so soon, but I hope that if anything it will help you to also be real with yourself and with God. Don't be afraid. He will not forsake us. He is with us. He created our hearts, our emotions, our craving for Eden. He says, "Come." This is my heart's cry tonight.

Oh Father, no. 

Oh Father, no. 

Oh Father, I don't understand. 

If You are crying with me, why don't You just fix it all? 

If You are God of power, why don't You just fix it all? 

If You are making all things new, why can't You?

I wanna say I trust You. 

I wanna say I trust You. 

But I don't know if I do. 

What does trust mean to You?

I wanna trust You so bad. 

I wanna trust You so bad. 

But I don't know if I can, yet. 

Trust is not what I had planned.

Oh, I have hope, 

I'm not alone, 

But my heart is breaking.

 

Oh, I have hope, 

I'm not alone, 

But my soul is aching.
 

You're here with me, 

You will redeem, 

But this is not how it's supposed to be. 

This is not how it's supposed to be. 

Oh, this is not how it's supposed to be. 

This is not how it's supposed to be! 

Why did you let this happen to me? 

Oh my God, I don't want this story! 

This is not how it's supposed to be. 

Oh Father, please.