a prayer for feeling

Jesus, 

Did you ever struggle to get out of bed in the morning? Did you ever lose sight or lose hope?

You could feel the emotions of the whole world; can you teach me to feel mine? And somehow all that feeling only impassioned you more, while it paralyzes me; can you teach me?

I am trying to feel and it doesn't feel good; I am trying to remember why this is worth it. But oh I don't want to go back to that dispassioned, black and white existence. But I expected leaving the black and white to take me to full color, not all these shades of gray. 

What did it feel like to never be selfish? To love people for their sake? To be so inwardly whole that you could be outwardly focused?

Jesus, 

You are so lucky that you so deeply knew the Father's love. Did you ever have to work for it like I do? Did you ever go through the motions just hoping it would become real? 

Jesus, 

I want to be like you because you are wonderful. You are everything in perfection - passion and compassion, humility and boldness, truth and love. 

And oh, I want to be like you because I am so tired. Tired of realizing I have mis-prioritized, misstepped, and missed the mark. Tired of the seemingly endless chase after moments with God, moments gone so fast. I want to be you because I'm exhausted from being me. 

Can nothing be easy? Why is love in all directions so hard? Has the image of God in me been marred that badly? 

I know you're working. I just don't like the unfinished failing, the imperfect waiting. 

Maybe I finally am feeling a color; a dark color, but a color nonetheless. 

This is a prayer I wrote in February and found recently. Learning to be more and more honest with myself and with God; don't be afraid!