off the path
It was beautiful outside yesterday and I felt like doing something adventurous with the hour of free time I had. I realized, surprisingly, that I wanted to climb trees. I wanted to just run and jump and climb through the outdoors. So I put on old, worn-out clothes, left the phone on the counter and went.
I've been rather confused and frustrated with God lately. Things have felt dry, stale, silent, distant. I've stayed faithful with what I know to do: regular reading of Scripture, listening prayer, praying Psalms, morning and evening offices, the whole lot. I've been honest, I've told Him I don't know what's going on, I've told Him I feel like this is my own stamina keeping this going. A few weeks ago I felt His presence in an unusual way, and a sense of something different coming... but that was all. And sometimes weeks feel like years, and pauses feel like silence. Yesterday morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. I had set my alarm early to have a long morning with God, but that didn't motivate me to get up. It felt like nothing ever changed, nothing was vibrant, nothing was new. I knew that was wrong, but I felt it.
But yesterday afternoon I found myself racing into the forest behind the university, excited and looking for any tree I could hoist myself into. I entered a field where I've played soccer and frisbee over the years, but this time looked for a tree to climb, and found one. I monkeyed my way up as high as I could, and smiled as I gazed down and around me. I let the moss and dirt get all over me as I slid down in search of the next adventure, thanking the tree for the chance to join it in the sky. I cartwheeled through the mud, wiped it on my pants, laughed, and kept going.
Entering the forest, I walked down the path I'd walked on a hundred times, every bend familiar. I came to a bridge, and glanced down the creek to see a fallen log that cross over it. I smiled to myself, ditched the path, left the bridge, and trudged through the brush and foliage instead.
I climbed tree after tree, some successfully and some less successfully. In the tops of some trees I thought deep thoughts, and in the tops of others I didn't really think at all.
Back on the ground, I had to head back home. But as I went, I couldn't help but look in all directions off the path at the vast number of trees and places I had never truly seen before because I had never thought of leaving the path before. The thought struck me that there was so much more off the path than I had expected, more than I could even explore.
I didn't feel like there was any crazy experience of God while I was out in the forest. In fact, I felt very alone. But that thought, as I gazed into deep, un-penetrated forest, make me pause and wonder. Perhaps God too is calling me off the path. Perhaps He is calling me away from my normal, away from what I think I know about Him, away from the accepted and safe and planned ways of knowing Him, away from black-and-white theology, away from being sure and in control. On the common path nothing ever changes, nothing is vibrant, nothing is new. But maybe there is more.
I've been rather confused and frustrated with God lately. Things have felt dry, stale, silent, distant. I've stayed faithful with what I know to do: regular reading of Scripture, listening prayer, praying Psalms, morning and evening offices, the whole lot. I've been honest, I've told Him I don't know what's going on, I've told Him I feel like this is my own stamina keeping this going. A few weeks ago I felt His presence in an unusual way, and a sense of something different coming... but that was all. And sometimes weeks feel like years, and pauses feel like silence. Yesterday morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. I had set my alarm early to have a long morning with God, but that didn't motivate me to get up. It felt like nothing ever changed, nothing was vibrant, nothing was new. I knew that was wrong, but I felt it.
But yesterday afternoon I found myself racing into the forest behind the university, excited and looking for any tree I could hoist myself into. I entered a field where I've played soccer and frisbee over the years, but this time looked for a tree to climb, and found one. I monkeyed my way up as high as I could, and smiled as I gazed down and around me. I let the moss and dirt get all over me as I slid down in search of the next adventure, thanking the tree for the chance to join it in the sky. I cartwheeled through the mud, wiped it on my pants, laughed, and kept going.
Entering the forest, I walked down the path I'd walked on a hundred times, every bend familiar. I came to a bridge, and glanced down the creek to see a fallen log that cross over it. I smiled to myself, ditched the path, left the bridge, and trudged through the brush and foliage instead.
I climbed tree after tree, some successfully and some less successfully. In the tops of some trees I thought deep thoughts, and in the tops of others I didn't really think at all.
Back on the ground, I had to head back home. But as I went, I couldn't help but look in all directions off the path at the vast number of trees and places I had never truly seen before because I had never thought of leaving the path before. The thought struck me that there was so much more off the path than I had expected, more than I could even explore.
I didn't feel like there was any crazy experience of God while I was out in the forest. In fact, I felt very alone. But that thought, as I gazed into deep, un-penetrated forest, make me pause and wonder. Perhaps God too is calling me off the path. Perhaps He is calling me away from my normal, away from what I think I know about Him, away from the accepted and safe and planned ways of knowing Him, away from black-and-white theology, away from being sure and in control. On the common path nothing ever changes, nothing is vibrant, nothing is new. But maybe there is more.
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