ten years

Ten years of writing on this blog. It's a milestone, almost a surreal one. It is no exaggeration to say that I'm not sure who I would be today without the practice of forming weekly thoughts to share here. This post is my reflection on these ten years and on the gifts this blog has given me. 

In September of 2010, I was an eager 15-year-old who saw spiritual parallels everywhere and had so many thoughts I wanted to share. Blogs were "cool" then, or at least they seemed to be among all my homeschool friends (which probably means they weren't actually cool at all). My first official post explained the otherwise cryptic title that identified the blog for nine years, "Off Balance," and that post encapsulates well who I was ten years ago: a teen who was discontent with the status quo of Christianity and wanted to follow Jesus in a way that would appear radical and "off balance." My closing sentence was this: "I pray that God will use this blog to embolden, to enrich, and to encourage myself and others to live radically for Jesus, completely trusting, and off balance."

 

I've been wondering lately what that 15-year-old Shelby would think of me now. There's a sense in which I feel like I've become everything she was afraid of: no longer "radical," increasingly doubtful, eerily comfortable in a North American lifestyle. But when I dig a bit deeper into that teenager, I recognize myself. I am still discontent with the status quo of Christianity. I still see spirituality everywhere. I still have so many thoughts I want to share. 

And I think my prayer has come true. This blog has indeed emboldened, enriched, and encouraged me. 

It has emboldened me by growing the confidence to write and share, even when my writing wasn't perfect or I wasn't sure how it would be received. 

It has enriched me by developing the dedication to stay faithful to a weekly habit, no matter my mood or circumstances, and by forcing me to find something profound and worthwhile in every week of the last decade. 

It has encouraged me by speaking to me through my own words; I can't count the number of times I've come across an old post that has comforted or challenged me in ways I didn't even understand when I was writing the post.

 

This blog has been through a lot with me. My friend in 2011 passed away on a Sunday, and the next few Sundays I felt compelled to write to honor and grieve him, which began the tradition of posting every Sunday. I haven't missed one (except one time but I remembered just after midnight and changed my computer time zone to Hawaii time so that the post still read Sunday's date...). When I was in China, the site was blocked due to Chinese censorship, so I had to email posts to my friend who published them for me every week. Some posts have taken minutes, a few have taken months. I've written posts on friends' phones, in bathrooms, on airport floors, in trees, on road trips, and during every season of life. The last thing my Dad shared on his facebook was my most recent post. When he passed away, my blog seemed to be the place people came for comfort and to show support; those first few posts afterward saw thousands of visitors above normal. More recently, posts that started here have led me to publishing on new platforms for new audiences, and who knows where those paths will lead. 

Over the past decade, I don't know how many times I've heard, "So I was reading your blog..." So many times. And every time I have the same feeling of gratitude and amazement. I am still amazed at the vast array of people from every area of my life who have chosen to soak in the words I've written, from a teenager to a twenty-something. It is an honor that I will never take for granted. To you reading this, whether you've been here since day one or find yourself here for the first time, thank you. Thank you for valuing the depths of my heart that I have shared here. 

And perhaps the most beautiful thing I am feeling tonight is grace. Looking back, I read a lot of posts I would never write today. I thought I knew a lot then. I thought I was on the right path. But the process of writing for ten years has helped me realize that it's okay that I've changed now. It's okay that I was different then. Ten years from now I will probably feel similarly about the things I'm writing now, but I don't want that to stop me from being fully who I am and where I am. I have always been and will always be on the right path because it is my path, wherever it leads. 

 

My hope is for continued eyes to see, heart to feel, and words to express. 

Thank you for joining me on the journey.