four years like him

I’m standing out in the field behind our neighbor’s house, watching the sunset. Wondering what words to say tonight. Wishing the past four years weren’t forever defined by May 23rd. Wanting him back. 

Thinking about the little ways I’ve seen him in me these last few years without realizing it.

The way I started eating a banana every morning for a while. 

The way I’ve ended up using the same coffee mug every morning; the way that mug’s handle feels like his. 

The way I can’t help but take pictures of the clouds. 

The way I shoot a foosball. 

The way I am pretty much who I am at face value. 

The way I’ll always go for a good donut. 

The way I like life to be simple, to let things go, to enjoy the quiet moments. 

It’s not the same as having him here, it’s not even close. But I’m grateful that he’ll never be completely gone.